The 75th Academy Awards #11

1. Best Adapted Screenplay goes to The Pianist. He thanks Roman Polanski, who can't come to the Oscars because apparently fucking a 13 year old girl is not smiled upon here. Best Original Screenplay goes to Talk To Her, and the guy who won looks like he borrowed Christopher Walken's vacuum cleaner when he was done. He also reads A Very Important Statement Of Peace from a crumpled piece of paper, dedicating his fucking Oscar to whoever the hell he thinks is oppressing the oppressed oppressively across this oppressive world of ours. Jeez, you'd think if it was that important he'd have bothered to memorize it.

2. Seriously - do you REALLY want to see THAT Harrison Ford doing another Indiana Jones? Come on, Mel Gibson turned down Gladiator because he thought he was too old, and he's, like, SIXTEEN YEARS younger than Ford. Roman Polanski wins Best Director for The Pianist and everyone blows their nuts cheering. Hollywood - coddler of pedophiles, appeaser of tyrannical dictators. What a wacky fucking place that looneyhole is.

3. Chicago wins best picture. Every morning for the next year I will wake up drenched in ice cold sweat, with 'AND ALL THAT JAZZ!' coming from my lips in a hoarse whisper.

THIS WAS NOT MY BEST WORK. I APOLOGIZE FOR MY WEAK, WEAK COMMENTARY.

They weren't giving me much to work with.