Menagerie Of The Grotesque

This really has nothing to do with the war or protesters or Michael Moore. Sort of. Maybe a little.

Well, don't that punch a cow in the udders - Now that I am getting more hits than ever before, my workload increases and I can hardly find the free time to come on here and embarrass myself. It's going to be like this from now until the end of summer - brief periods of quiet followed by intense bursts of spraypainting. So, posts will likely be short for a while. Which will please some of you to no end, undoubtedly. In fact, I would go so far as to say some of you hope my posts dwindle in size to perhaps three words per day maximum.

Oh, I owe you two Survivor updates. The first will go up tomorrow evening.

ANYWAY...

A couple of days ago I likened the 'Die-In' protesters to hognose snakes. Astute reader Ric Manhard sent me a nice email Sunday, with his own comparison:

I think the fainting goat is more apt than the hognose. I'll try to google
up a link: http://www.webworksltd.com/webpub/goats/faintinggoat.html
Which has the following relevant verbiage:
> The name "Fainting" goat is
> a bit misleading because they do not actually
> faint. They have a genetic problem with relaxing
> muscles. When they are startled or surprised
> their muscles lock up and the goat then sometimes
> falls over. Hence the name "Fainting"
> Goat.

Now, the first thought to skitter out of the dank, wet holes in my mind like a brown recluse avoiding a whisk broom was: I really, really want one of these.

I've always had an affinity for the truly wretched creatures, the malformed and seemingly useless life forms which have been delivered upon the Earth through either misbegotten evolution or God. I will tell you someday exactly why I have this love of freakish animals, when I have more time - just remind me.

One of these days, if luck drops a golden polished turd into my lap and I become rich, I hope to have a ranch. On this ranch I will herd the most horrid livestock imaginable, a Menagerie Of The Grotesque. Hence the title.

Any creature which spits, shits, oozes mucous, shoots blood out of a hidden orifice, emits an unearthly stench, issues forth piercing noises or howls, glows in the dark...all will have a home on my ranch. Nothing venomous in there, mind you. My wish is not to kill, simply to disgust.

And the best part is it would be a petting zoo.

"Why yes, you are certainly welcome to hold the Guatemalan Leaping Ejaculator Lizard. You may wish to put these safety glasses on first."

Part Wild Kingdom, part Gallagher Concert. Raincoats available at the door for a small fee.

I WANT ONE OF THESE, TOO...

Another fine fellow blogger, Bert from Bert's Blog, sent me the following link he himself found on Dave Barry's blog (Dave Barry needs no link from me - when he gets off his ass and links to me, THEN we'll talk):

''No one wanted to be known as the guy who broke the parrot,'' Shimonski said.

No guy has ever broken this particular Parrott, but I can say that many women have tried their level best.

WELL, OKAY, MAYBE ONE PROTEST JOKE

I'm like that little kid from your neighborhood who tags along a hundred yards behind everyone else when it comes to these things:

Remember the stories about the milk-swigging 'Vomit-In' protestors which you've probably read a jabillion times on other blogs by now? (scroll down the page, it's in there)

Well, I was just thinking a really good punishment for those jabronies would've been to dump cases of Cap'n Crunch, Cocoa Puffs, and Rice Crispies on the puddles, and make them all eat it back up. The Cocoa Puffs would've turned the vomit all chocolatey-rich, the Cap'n Crunch would have fucked up the roofs of their mouths, and the Rice Crispies....Snap, Crackle, and BLARRRRRFFFF.

OKAY, LAST ONE, I PROMISE, IT'S ALL OUT OF MY SYSTEM NOW

This is for Jim Treacher. His slogan is the one on the far right.



***I just noticed that Blogspot is slow as frozen molasses AGAIN. I can't wait until I gather up enough money to get the fuck away from this place. I will talk shit about them endlessly, and if I can keep just ONE person from signing up to a paying account with them, it will be worth it. Google buys you, AND YET YOU STILL SUCK ALL DAY LONG.***