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Well, the discussion with the gentleman from Pop Culture Gadabout will have to wait until tomorrow (later today, actually). I became bogged down with work and other distractions.

Let's see: I owe THREE Survivor recaps now. I watched Jackass: The Movie and The Beatles Anthology DVD's a while back, and I want to review those for Blogcritics sometime before they both go out of print. I have a video game review I want to do here, because if I put it on Blogcritics no one in their right mind will want to buy the game. I have to change those polls below which everyone is sick to death of by now. I have to put up a new story if I can ever get off my lazy ass and type it in. I still have to finalize the T-shirt design for the monthly contest I mentioned eons ago. I have to get things ready for THE BIG MOVE to Moveable Type and my own server/domain, which will also be home to The Jitters. I have to answer a couple of nice emails folks have sent me.

I am one procrastinatin' sonofabitch.

You know, when I have absolutely nothing to do around the house and work is slow, I can't ever think of anything to write about. Isn't that always the way?

Until I can get started on all those other projects, I whipped up a quick, ongoing list of

REASONS I WILL PROBABLY NEVER BE INVITED TO THE FANTASTIC RIGHT WING HOEDOWN BLOWOUT

1. I HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF AFFECTION FOR PORNOGRAPHY. I don't know if anyone's told you this yet, but there's about ninety bagillion pictures of naked women on the internet, and most of them can be viewed for the low price of free-fifty. Really, if you're paying for internet porn you're either an idiot, or you have more money than you know what to do with. Which reminds me, I have to get one of those paypal things. That way I can actually watch myself not earn any money for writing, instead of just sending pieces off and never getting a reply. When I'm depressed I go look at free internet pornography, so I like to remain depressed as often as possible.

2. I HAVE NO OPINION ON THE ABORTION ISSUE. NONE. I know that's hard to believe, and there's a lot of 'Harrumph!' ing going on right now, but it's true. I could not care less about the subject. I'm not a woman, and I have never impregnated one, so there you have it. It is an issue which doesn't affect me at all. Would I have an opinion if I did knock someone up? Maybe. I don't know. It's never happened, so I don't care to speculate. In fact, the only thing that I can think of at the moment that I would care less about is televised fishing. So save your emails, seriously. I'm just going to look at them and laugh, then hit the delete key. I won't even bother replying; that's how little I care about the subject.

3. I HAVE NO RELIGIOUS AGENDA. I've been in a church maybe five times since the age of twelve, and none of those had anything to do with being washed in the blood of Christ or whatever the hell it is they do in there that makes me nervous. Do I believe in God? Sure. See, without God there can be no Hell - I look around the internet, read the newspapers, and I know there just HAS to be a Hell for some of these bonehead morons to burn in eternally. That, and the George Burns movie. How can you watch that and not believe in a cuddly octogenarian higher power? I like to think that Gracie Allen is Mrs. God, and that's why we have things like THIS.

4. I AM APATHETIC WHEN IT COMES TO THE VOTING. Here's how slack I am: during the last Presidential election, I drove to the wrong polling station. Instead of driving the five minutes to the correct one, I bought beer at the nearest convenience store and drove home. I didn't even watch election returns. I think I watched cartoons. I can't remember, I was drunk. Yeah, I have certain opinions on certain issues - who doesn't? Everyone's an asshole. That's my personal favorite political opinion, and if I can find a group with that phrase as their platform, I will gladly register as a member and wear one of those goofy styrofoam hats at the convention.

5. I REFUSE TO WEAR ONE OF THOSE GEEKAFIED BOW TIES. That may not be exclusive to Right Wing Hermans. I don't know.

6. I THINK ANN COULTER HAS SOME ISSUES. I'd probably still sleep with her, though. She likes weapons, so I'm thinking there'd be some freaky funking going on in the boudoir. Does that make me a pig? I hope not. I'm so very alone. Question: Is her last name pronounced 'Cool-Ter', or 'Cooter', like the guy from Dukes Of Hazzard? I hope it is the latter, because at least then she'd have something cool and quirky to hang on. "Here comes that ole Ann Cooter again, totin' that over and under shotgun o'hers to shoot us up a mess of squirrel."

7. WHAT IS UP WITH THE BLANDNESS? Grecian Formula is not really intended to be applied like shellac. Fuck's sake, where are all the cool politicians with mohawks and cigarette burns scattered across their shaved scalp? THERE'S a politician who would catch my interest. Teeth knocked out, eyepatch, whisky voice, and I'm punching chads all over the place. I want a President who looks like he (or she) could win a ghetto bar fight against any other leader in the world. That, or just some balls-out nutty fucker who dresses up in period costumes, drinks conspicuously at press conferences, and acts out his (or her) favorite scenes from HBO series during the State Of The Union Address for the benefit of those of us too cheap to pay for the service. I want a President who bursts into Dean Martin songs at random moments and strikes kitchen matches off people's ears to light a cigar. Who calls reporters 'Buster', as in "You'll get the answer to that question when chimpanzees fly out of my scrotum, Buster." I WANT A SHOW GODDAMNIT. Is that too much to ask?

That's all I can think of right now, and it's 2:30 a.m., so I have to go to bed. I'll think of more later, and I will balance it out with some reasons I won't ever be invited to the opposition's whingding, either.