PAINTBALL TIPS AND TRICKS
These are some helpful hints for the beginning paintball player. I think that you'll find them especially useful if, by chance, any of you should ever play with ME.
BE SURE TO CARRY PLENTY OF LOOSE CHANGE IN YOUR POCKETS AT ALL TIMES - You're gonna work up a powerful thirst on the field, and there will probably be a trip to the store (or the vending machines) at some point. If you spend some, by all means replace it immediately. Keep both pockets stocked!
SPARE AMMO DURING A GAME? WHO NEEDS IT! - It's just going to get in your way and limit mobility. In fact, it's probably a good idea to just load up around 10 or so paintballs in your gun, eliminating excess weight. Leave spare air tanks behind, as well! Those guns can be heavy!
DON'T WASTE TIME HIDING. - Crouching behind bushes or trees for any length of time really puts a strain on your hamstrings. Why risk a Charley Horse? Remain upright, move around, and stay cramp-free! Remember - hiding limits your field of vision; so don't be a 'Blind Hider'! Run all the time.
And when you're too tired to run:
SMOKING DURING THE GAME IS A MUST. - Tobacco relaxes your nerves, so you'll keep a steady trigger finger! Don't worry about the smell or the smoke, no one's going to notice!
JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T PLAY. - You could be a 'spy' or a 'decoy'! Just like James Bond. Wouldn't that be cool? Wave at everyone, and they won't shoot you! They'll just wave back, repeatedly!
WHEN IN DOUBT, SHOUT IT OUT! - You don't want your teammates wondering where you are if you get separated, so call out your position loudly, clearly, and frequently! If you see a teammate who appears not to notice you, call that teammate out by name! Example: "Hey, Dave, is that you over there by the blue bunker?!?!"
WHEN IN DOUBT, SHOOT IT OUT! - Everyone looks exactly the same with all their gear on, so why take chances? See that humped-over lump behind that tree? Unload on it with everything you've got! If it's your own teammate, he or she will understand, and will just wave and smile! Repeatedly!
PAINTBALL GRENADES ALWAYS WORK. - In fact, you may even want to leave your gun at home and just use these! They never burst in your pocket, at your own feet, or in mid-air!
YOUR TEAMMATES WILL APPRECIATE THEATRICS. IT MAKES FOR A SMOOTH GAME. - If you get shot in an especially tender place, please tear off and throw down your mask, scream like an animal, and threaten whoever shot you with violence! It really brings home the 'brotherhood' part of the game, and brings everyone closer in spirit!
WHEN ELIMINATED FROM THE GAME, WANDER AROUND THE FIELD AIMLESSLY FOR A LONG WHILE. - This gives the game an authentic 'battlefield' feel! Point your gun at people as you leave the field - this is the Paintball Secret Signal to let everyone know you've been taken out of the game! If the signal appears to be misinterpreted, raise your gun up and aim at the person you're signalling! They'll get the message, and wave you off the field! Repeatedly!
Well, I hope those are enough tips and tricks to make your first game an enjoyable experience and resounding success!
Always remember: PAINTBALL IS THE ONLY LEGAL WAY TO SHOOT YOUR FRIENDS IN THE FACE. Take full advantage of this knowledge!
Too tired for The Legend Of Old Man Dinkum tonight, so that'll have to wait 'til tomorrow.