Wednesday, 18 September 2002



These are some helpful hints for the beginning paintball player. I think that you'll find them especially useful if, by chance, any of you should ever play with ME.
BE SURE TO CARRY PLENTY OF LOOSE CHANGE IN YOUR POCKETS AT ALL TIMES - You're gonna work up a powerful thirst on the field, and there will probably be a trip to the store (or the vending machines) at some point. If you spend some, by all means replace it immediately. Keep both pockets stocked!

SPARE AMMO DURING A GAME? WHO NEEDS IT! - It's just going to get in your way and limit mobility. In fact, it's probably a good idea to just load up around 10 or so paintballs in your gun, eliminating excess weight. Leave spare air tanks behind, as well! Those guns can be heavy!

DON'T WASTE TIME HIDING. - Crouching behind bushes or trees for any length of time really puts a strain on your hamstrings. Why risk a Charley Horse? Remain upright, move around, and stay cramp-free! Remember - hiding limits your field of vision; so don't be a 'Blind Hider'! Run all the time.
And when you're too tired to run:
SMOKING DURING THE GAME IS A MUST. - Tobacco relaxes your nerves, so you'll keep a steady trigger finger! Don't worry about the smell or the smoke, no one's going to notice!

JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A GUN DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN'T PLAY. - You could be a 'spy' or a 'decoy'! Just like James Bond. Wouldn't that be cool? Wave at everyone, and they won't shoot you! They'll just wave back, repeatedly!

WHEN IN DOUBT, SHOUT IT OUT! - You don't want your teammates wondering where you are if you get separated, so call out your position loudly, clearly, and frequently! If you see a teammate who appears not to notice you, call that teammate out by name! Example: "Hey, Dave, is that you over there by the blue bunker?!?!"

WHEN IN DOUBT, SHOOT IT OUT! - Everyone looks exactly the same with all their gear on, so why take chances? See that humped-over lump behind that tree? Unload on it with everything you've got! If it's your own teammate, he or she will understand, and will just wave and smile! Repeatedly!
PAINTBALL GRENADES ALWAYS WORK. - In fact, you may even want to leave your gun at home and just use these! They never burst in your pocket, at your own feet, or in mid-air!

YOUR TEAMMATES WILL APPRECIATE THEATRICS. IT MAKES FOR A SMOOTH GAME. - If you get shot in an especially tender place, please tear off and throw down your mask, scream like an animal, and threaten whoever shot you with violence! It really brings home the 'brotherhood' part of the game, and brings everyone closer in spirit!

WHEN ELIMINATED FROM THE GAME, WANDER AROUND THE FIELD AIMLESSLY FOR A LONG WHILE. - This gives the game an authentic 'battlefield' feel! Point your gun at people as you leave the field - this is the Paintball Secret Signal to let everyone know you've been taken out of the game! If the signal appears to be misinterpreted, raise your gun up and aim at the person you're signalling! They'll get the message, and wave you off the field! Repeatedly!

Well, I hope those are enough tips and tricks to make your first game an enjoyable experience and resounding success!

Always remember: PAINTBALL IS THE ONLY LEGAL WAY TO SHOOT YOUR FRIENDS IN THE FACE. Take full advantage of this knowledge!

Too tired for The Legend Of Old Man Dinkum tonight, so that'll have to wait 'til tomorrow.

Saturday, 14 September 2002



And dirty old men everywhere CHEERED. What I wonder is: Can you grow it anywhere? Like, say, your armpit or your chin?

Poor rabbits. They catch hell in the name of science.
-- posted by Kevin at 9/14/2002 10:52:13 PM----comments(3)
While cleaning out my desk today I found an old play I'd been working on. I'd lost interest and forgotten all about it, but reading it through today...I usually don't get off on my own work (to say the least), but it's pretty wicked and funny. I think I might finish it, and see if one of the local theater companies around here would be interested in producing it.

It's called Meet The Bastards. It involves an obnoxious group of male friends, the stiffened body of a dead cat, a militant lesbian activist group, a retirement home nurse with Tourette's syndrome, a powdered drug which causes severe erectile dysfunction, and a person's conscience brought to hallucinatory life in the form of a giant...well, I'll keep that one to myself for now. The audience will (hopefully) laugh, but they will be ashamed of themselves for doing so.

I've also been batting around a couple other script ideas lately. I've never really been comfortable with the format (I usually stick with straight prose), although my old High School won an award at a state competition performing a play I'd written. Maybe it's just me, then.

I'll finish it and see what happens.
-- posted by Kevin at 9/14/2002 08:50:33 PM----comments(3)
It rained all day long here in Wilmington. Yesterday while I was at work the weather was beautiful. Figures.

The temperature is dropping, though, so for me that means PAINTBALL SEASON is right around the corner. Why Yes, I am one of those stupidheads, thanks for asking. Missed last season due to a lack of funds combined with too much work, but I'm really feeling the itch this year. We were all pretty hardcore about it for a while - building forts and sniper towers in the woods, buying specialized gun barrels, modifying all our equipment, dressing like morons, affecting retarded Code Names (mine is 'Joker' - one guy wanted us to actually call him 'LionHeart', but no one could say it through all the snorting laughter), inventing new and meaningless 'rules', getting into screaming matches when one of us felt like we were 'overshot', laughing at someone who got particularly torn up, etc. I got shot in the throat once, and my fellow player kept right on shooting me because I didn't call 'out'. I couldn't. I'd been shot in the throat.

It's fun!

I'm taking a camera along this year, and will provide pictures of our Bleeding Stupidity for you as they develop.
-- posted by Kevin at 9/14/2002 08:12:06 PM----comments(3)
My friend Jeff brought his Welsh friend Gareth along to the bar last night. Our pool game pretty much consisted of me standing around saying things like "Do you think you could miss one on purpose so I could take a shot?"

I also kept asking him to say different words or phrases because of his accent.

I am now officially an Obnoxious American.

Friday, 13 September 2002


Apparently, Ben Affleck wears a rug or something. I think Ben's got some pretty shitty friends - the article says he begged them not to say anything. If I were him I'd find out who ratted and butt them right in the teeth with my bald head.

Well, off to drink beer and watch twenty different television shows at once!
-- posted by Kevin at 9/13/2002 09:40:19 PM----comments(3)
Well, Blue Post is off. No one wants to drive. Guess it's the same old, same old tonight - drinkin' at The South Kerr Sports Bar, which is walking distance. Cute college girl Bartenders, occasional groups of female patrons, loud arguments over politics/religion/sports/who cares. Fun, but familiar. And, when it's dead - it's DEPRESSING.
One 'regular' (that's a polite term for 'Drunk') is apparently making a career out of South Kerr.

Oh, well.

OPERATION: GET MY SHIT TOGETHER starts this weekend.
-- posted by Kevin at 9/13/2002 08:26:38 PM----comments(3)
Speaking of names...

Tonight, myself and some of the fellows will venture down to The Blue Post (It's a pool/darts/game hall). I don't know exactly what we'll be doing, but there is the very slight possibility alcohol of some sort may be involved. The last time I was there (about three weeks ago) I spent a couple of pleasant hours conversing with a lovely young lady, showing her how to play darts (well, not really - I kind of throw darts like an epileptic under a strobe light), flirting. Turned sour when I found out she had a boyfriend, which should have been information pertinent enough to share with me - oh, I don't know, TWENTY SECONDS INTO THE CONVERSATION, MAYBE?!?! Sheesh.

Anyway, her actual name was 'Honey'. No shit. I made her show me her driver's license.

And, while chatting just a few minutes ago, my neighbor informed me she was going out tonight with some guy named 'Rodeo'. RO-DAY-OH. Like the Drive, not the goat-roping spectacle. I'm just glad he didn't come outside and introduce himself - I don't know if I would have been able to contain myself:

"Hi, I'm Rodeo Smith."

"Carnival Parrott. Nice to meet you."

I have been told in the past that my mouth will be the direct cause of my death.

Thursday, 12 September 2002



I've been painting apartments for almost seven years now, and during that time I've accumulated some knowledge which you may find useful as you reside in squallor:

THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY PETS - Five cats? Three large Rottweilers? Snakes? A Goat? There's room for two of every living creature in Noah's Apartment! Forgot such pesky things as Pet Deposits, breathing room, and 'Rules'! Pshaw! You're an animal lover, damnit, and the love these creatures provide overpowers trivial needs like comfort and exercise. Do they piss and shit everywhere? That's what carpet padding is for - it's like a wall-to-wall sponge! If you absolutely must let the darling little multitude out of your sight, by all means:

- fresh exhaust, hot pavement, oil puddles to lick - and, it's like one giant restroom! Residents love to walk into the parking lot and find your cat sliding down the hood of their car, claws out! On a related note:
NEVER VACUUM - vacuuming wastes electricity and stirs up dust (BAD for your lungs!). Dust bunnies are cute, and spare pet hair has many uses such as adorning winter jackets! Breathing large amounts dander helps me get used to my cat allergy, so leave plenty of it laying around.

USE LOTS OF DOUBLE-SIDED FOAM TAPE ON EVERYTHING - Pictures, shelving, hooks, tapestries, whatever. Oh, and full-length mirrors. Especially full-length mirrors. See, foam tape forms a bond with whatever it touches, and must be CUT out of the wall it adheres to. 20 or so pieces of foam tape should be sufficient to hold a lightweight full-length mirror and keep me occupied for an hour or so. Prying a mirror off the wall without breaking it into a million pieces is nigh impossible; I must have over 100 years of bad luck stockpiled! If there's one thing I need more of, it's bad luck - I'm way too lucky as it is! I also have several scars on my hands from the jagged, broken edges of the glass plunging into my flesh as the mirror shatters...I'm quite fond of every one of those scars. Keep 'em coming!

A CLEAN BATHROOM IS UNNECESSARY - Clumps of pubic hair cushion and warm a bathroom floor; and hey, your toilet gets filthy every time you take a crap in it - so why even bother? Facial hair in the sink filters nasty bacteria, plus gives it that 'personal touch'! You always know where your underpanties are if you leave them in a pile around the toilet! That spreading fungus in your bathtub? Well, that's what I like to call Nature's Bathmat. It keeps you from slipping around like a jackass and breaking your headbone, and also saves money by eliminating the need for those goofy rubber goldfish clingies!

PLEASE MAKE YOUR DRUG HABIT PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE - Many's the time I've gone into an apartment only to spy a battered coffee table scattered with the occupant's favorite mind-altering substance, and a loose pile of cash beside it. These are usually the very same folks who are way behind on their rent, and under the threat of eviction. Once, while reaching behind a bathroom vanity cabinet, I nearly stuck my fingers into an open rubbing alcohol bottle - which contained a bright 'n shiny hypodermic needle! It was just like finding the prize in a box of CrackerJack.

PUNCH OR KICK LOTS OF LARGE HOLES IN THE DOORS AND WALLS BEFORE YOU LEAVE - Even though I make no extra money for things like this, it breaks the monotony! There's that 'personal touch' again!

RENT IS ONLY A SUGGESTION - It usually takes three or so months of legal wrangling to kick your ass out into the street, so make the most of this free time and catch up on your drug use! Throw lots of parties and vomit in the hallways!

SHARE YOUR MUSIC AND/OR TELEVISION TASTES WITH EVERYONE IN THE BUILDING - Your neighbors may not be as well off as you, unable to afford things like CD players or Surround Sound Systems - so let them enjoy the sound and turn the volume as high as it will go! Everyone loves Old Dirty Bastard - especially the elderly! By the by, it's common knowledge that Senior Citizens don't sleep very well - so they'd most appreciate it say, around 3:30 in the morning. They'll even come over and thank you for it, providing you can hear them knocking at your door!

- Snap at the ladies in the front office as much as possible. Curse the maintenance crew when they come to fix your busted water heaters and broken doors! Threaten the guy who kicks you and your 15 drunken buddies out of the pool for breaking bottles! Give us all the stinkeye everytime we say 'hello' as you pass us in the hallways. Do all of this as much as possible - we'll respect you for it later! It ensures prompt and careful attention to any work order emergencies you may have in the future! If you're a College student, your parents are probably paying your rent - so FUCK EVERYONE, right? And if you get kicked out after having received many warnings, who cares? You can live out of that Mustang your folks bought you for a Graduation present!

Well, that's all for now! I'll update the list as soon as I think of any other ways you can use to make living easier for you and everyone else around you!