TIPS AND TRICKS FOR APARTMENT DWELLERS
I've been painting apartments for almost seven years now, and during that time I've accumulated some knowledge which you may find useful as you reside in squallor:
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MANY PETS - Five cats? Three large Rottweilers? Snakes? A Goat? There's room for two of every living creature in Noah's Apartment! Forgot such pesky things as Pet Deposits, breathing room, and 'Rules'! Pshaw! You're an animal lover, damnit, and the love these creatures provide overpowers trivial needs like comfort and exercise. Do they piss and shit everywhere? That's what carpet padding is for - it's like a wall-to-wall sponge! If you absolutely must let the darling little multitude out of your sight, by all means:
LET YOUR ANIMALS FREELY ROAM THE PARKING LOT
- fresh exhaust, hot pavement, oil puddles to lick - and, it's like one giant restroom! Residents love to walk into the parking lot and find your cat sliding down the hood of their car, claws out! On a related note:
NEVER VACUUM - vacuuming wastes electricity and stirs up dust (BAD for your lungs!). Dust bunnies are cute, and spare pet hair has many uses such as adorning winter jackets! Breathing large amounts dander helps me get used to my cat allergy, so leave plenty of it laying around.
USE LOTS OF DOUBLE-SIDED FOAM TAPE ON EVERYTHING - Pictures, shelving, hooks, tapestries, whatever. Oh, and full-length mirrors. Especially full-length mirrors. See, foam tape forms a bond with whatever it touches, and must be CUT out of the wall it adheres to. 20 or so pieces of foam tape should be sufficient to hold a lightweight full-length mirror and keep me occupied for an hour or so. Prying a mirror off the wall without breaking it into a million pieces is nigh impossible; I must have over 100 years of bad luck stockpiled! If there's one thing I need more of, it's bad luck - I'm way too lucky as it is! I also have several scars on my hands from the jagged, broken edges of the glass plunging into my flesh as the mirror shatters...I'm quite fond of every one of those scars. Keep 'em coming!
A CLEAN BATHROOM IS UNNECESSARY - Clumps of pubic hair cushion and warm a bathroom floor; and hey, your toilet gets filthy every time you take a crap in it - so why even bother? Facial hair in the sink filters nasty bacteria, plus gives it that 'personal touch'! You always know where your underpanties are if you leave them in a pile around the toilet! That spreading fungus in your bathtub? Well, that's what I like to call Nature's Bathmat. It keeps you from slipping around like a jackass and breaking your headbone, and also saves money by eliminating the need for those goofy rubber goldfish clingies!
PLEASE MAKE YOUR DRUG HABIT PUBLIC KNOWLEDGE - Many's the time I've gone into an apartment only to spy a battered coffee table scattered with the occupant's favorite mind-altering substance, and a loose pile of cash beside it. These are usually the very same folks who are way behind on their rent, and under the threat of eviction. Once, while reaching behind a bathroom vanity cabinet, I nearly stuck my fingers into an open rubbing alcohol bottle - which contained a bright 'n shiny hypodermic needle! It was just like finding the prize in a box of CrackerJack.
PUNCH OR KICK LOTS OF LARGE HOLES IN THE DOORS AND WALLS BEFORE YOU LEAVE - Even though I make no extra money for things like this, it breaks the monotony! There's that 'personal touch' again!
RENT IS ONLY A SUGGESTION - It usually takes three or so months of legal wrangling to kick your ass out into the street, so make the most of this free time and catch up on your drug use! Throw lots of parties and vomit in the hallways!
SHARE YOUR MUSIC AND/OR TELEVISION TASTES WITH EVERYONE IN THE BUILDING - Your neighbors may not be as well off as you, unable to afford things like CD players or Surround Sound Systems - so let them enjoy the sound and turn the volume as high as it will go! Everyone loves Old Dirty Bastard - especially the elderly! By the by, it's common knowledge that Senior Citizens don't sleep very well - so they'd most appreciate it say, around 3:30 in the morning. They'll even come over and thank you for it, providing you can hear them knocking at your door!
MANNERS ONLY SHOW WEAKNESS
- Snap at the ladies in the front office as much as possible. Curse the maintenance crew when they come to fix your busted water heaters and broken doors! Threaten the guy who kicks you and your 15 drunken buddies out of the pool for breaking bottles! Give us all the stinkeye everytime we say 'hello' as you pass us in the hallways. Do all of this as much as possible - we'll respect you for it later! It ensures prompt and careful attention to any work order emergencies you may have in the future! If you're a College student, your parents are probably paying your rent - so FUCK EVERYONE, right? And if you get kicked out after having received many warnings, who cares? You can live out of that Mustang your folks bought you for a Graduation present!
Well, that's all for now! I'll update the list as soon as I think of any other ways you can use to make living easier for you and everyone else around you!